This Day So Far

Updated, with fewer annoying time stamps.

7:31am - Oh good. The baby's up and cooing. Right on time.

7:34am - Wander into his room while winding my hair into a ponytail. Coo back, "Good morning my sweethearrrr...." Take in room. He's a little wet, his bed is soaked. Strip him down to nekkid and take the sheet off the bed. Ready a laundry basket for a load to go in as soon as he takes a nap.

7:45am - Letting him air out a bit, I decide to grind up some coffee. Running water into the pot I think, "Maybe I shouldn't be running water with him not wearing a diaper." Stop. Realize there's a squeaking coming from his room. Put down the pot and go in to find him happily playing in a puddle. Mop up the area around him and give him a once over.

7:50am - I can't ignore it... Darnit. Run water for bath. Coax him into the tub. He enjoys the bubbles and figures out splashing. Bath is awesome!

7:55am - Splashing while trying to breathe results in massive choking. Bath is EVEILL!!

7:57am - Retrieving baby from tub, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Dear God, that is not a good look. More depressing than relieving, I remind myself that I will most likely not see another adult that I know all day. So, who cares about hair?

8:01am - Wish someone had made some coffee.

8:06am - After heroic struggle, diaper is barely attached to boy's bottom and both legs are wedged into one side of yoga pants. I am starting to sweat.

8:12am - He's clothed. I'm making coffee.

8:20am - He's crying, but I've almost got a cup poured.

8:22am - He gets a little breakfast of organic bananas, raspberries and oatmeal out of a jar. Am amazing mother.

8:40am - Struggles to free himself from high chair. After released, more crying. Could he already be ready for a nap? I count out my day in hours... That just might work. I try to put him down.

8:41 - 9:15am - There is no napping happening here. Attempt to get dressed and tie back hair. Notice that one eye is noticeably smaller than the other. It's as though I'm frozen half wink. Does not help that I appear to have slept on my face again and face has not yet recovered normal shape.

9:20am - Remove baby from crib and allow him to toddle about his room while I go in search of my coffee cup.

9:21am - coffee ice cold

9:23am - Baby shuffles out of room smiling. So cute! Steps on graphing calculator (what? That's normal) slips into a James Brown style splits and starts to howl.

9:30am - I'm starving. Refill coffee cup.

9:32am - Cutting up cantaloupe for baby and me. Using my Henckles knife - really needs to be sharpened.

9:34am - Impatient hungry baby yanks on my leg, I slip and cut my middle left finger, just below the nail.

9:35am - Staring at bleeding finger.

9:37am - Dump melon into blender with banana and soymilk. Make baby smoothie.

9:39am - Feeding baby and bleeding, wonder where my coffee cup is.

9:45am - I dump the dishes in the sink and discover coffee cup. It's cold. Refill and return to the living room.

9:47am - Find baby sitting happily atop the coffee table. What in the world is he doing up there? Realize with dread that we have experienced his first instance of successful climbing. Could not be more terrified if he was that kid that just climbed Kilimanjaro.

9:49am - Toss baby onto couch and spend the next fifteen minutes playing Run From One End Over Mommy To the Other End of Couch. This game is AWESOME.

10:00am - the View is on with the cast of Sex and the City. Wistfully remember when the last one came out. Got all dolled up with two of my girlfriends and went to Barbette for dinner and rose champagne. We saw the movie on opening night and it was AWESOME.

10:05am - Cynthia Nixon is wearing these killer Manolo's for Carolina Herrera. Gorgeous shoes.

10:10am - Miss my friends. What's that smell?

10:12am - Struggling in vain to keep baby's hand away from his poo tinged privates while he clutches my cell phone in the other hand. He chucks the phone and does a full body flip into a city position and starts excitedly pulling the diaper wipes out of the dispenser one after another after another after another after - STOP it!

10:15am - Baby standing on ground clutching leg of the changing table as I wrassle with his diaper like Mammy stuffing Scarlett into her corset.

10:17am - There will be no more pants on this day.

10:18am - On trip back to living room wonder where coffee cup is and catch sight of myself again. What idiot covered this whole fun house in mirrors? Hair resembles a past its prime dandelion and this dress somehow gives me a full body muffin top.

10:30 - 10:37am - Boy puts leg on coffee table. I pull it off. Repeat.

10:38am - Total and complete meltdown.

10:40am - Assure him that it's just a little nap and all is well in soft mothering tones as I slip him into his crib.

10:42am - Marvel that he isn't crying and slip back out to the living room. Clutch ice cold coffee cup to my chest while staring into the mirror.

10:45am - Husband calls. I relay to him the short version of the above to which he responds, "Jees, you should take a nap." Good idea. Then he says the sweetest words I've heard him utter all week, "I should be home before 3 o'clock." Oh heavenly BLISS! Of course, he works tonight at Skinner's at like five or something crazy, but I'll take what I can get. The weekend's almost here. Nap. Wait - laundry, then nap. Definitely.


*UPDATE:

He did not sleep. He never slept. He did pee on the coffee table, though. That was later. I left him in his room for half an hour at nap time and he never even came close to sleeping. We played outside, ran around the couch again... It gets a little blurry.

I know in the afternoon I ran into my neighbor who complimented me on my dress. I completely lost the ability to form a coherent thought and instead said, "Thanks! I really love... summer... dresses." Then went inside out of fear that I'd have to string another sentence together.

I just want to know when his parents are going to come pick up this little hellion and let me get back to my.... wait, what was I just doing?