Okay, here's the shocker, I am in posession of a one year old. And she's not quite... my baby anymore. It's taking me by surprise how much I'm wanting to hold onto babyhood this go around. I think it's because there's a little bit of hope that dies. I'm not going to be a mom again. This is the last go around with all of this stuff.
With every milestone with Vinny, as he discovered how to do things on his own - I was elated. It was incredible to watch him blossom. Still is. Man, you should see him ride his bike these days. He's like the wind! He still had training wheels this time last summer. And he's been figuring out how to navigate new friendship nuances, circles, personalities. He's still amazing and funny and just becoming more mature. Well, he's amazing.
C.C. is so different and her own person and that's amazing, too. But it's hard not to feel some little twinges with how well everything has gone knowing that it's the last time. How often do you get to observe and mourn the passing of a phase of your life? I feel like I'm kind of living in the middle of it too much. But I can't stop.
So, three days ago we were on the couch, Ceece and I and we were getting ready for a nap. I went to nurse her, our little snuggle wind down time -- and she bit me! I've nursed her longer than Vin and I've really loved it. I'm all crazy boob focused mama and have been avoiding cheese like poison and barely drinking and - things that are very un-me! And it's been so worth it. She's growing beautifully, tall and lean and... I don't know. It was our thing. Our little bond and a remaining physical tie between the two of us. And then the biting happens.
No amount of scolding, pushing her face closer to me, sticking a finger in there, alleviating tooth pain. Nothing stopped it. Every time she latched on, she'd pull away and GRIND her teeth together before laughing. She won't even suckle! Sometimes, she'd pull away, gnashing teeth laughing because with evil glee. (Remember I warned you about the cringing? We're here.) Her two little bottom teeth are turned inward, so I'm really getting the benefit of all the jagged edges. The worst is when I can't get her to let go and she's just laughing and biting down further and further... It's pretty much awful.
Oh well, I still had a night feeding which... I was not exactly thrilled about. She should be sleeping and I don't need to be training her to wake up and expect comforting. But at least I could still do this until she got over this silly biting phase. But then she woke up with her teeth and thought it was up and at 'em wakey chew time. NOPE.
I'm starting to think it isn't a phase. I keep trying and... it's over. She's done and she's one and it starting to figure out how to take a couple of steps in a row and stand unassisted and her hair has grown into that adorable toddler mullet thing and... it's time. She doesn't need this anymore.
What surprises me so much is that I'm not ready to not need this. I want to be able to comfort her with that connection and share the most intimate of nourishment with my baby girl. Then I wonder where this even came from? I value my independence and have always admired Vinny's confident ability to step away from me and bound into the big, wide world. What is wrong with me? I hardly recognize myself and yet. I'm sad enough about this passing that I'm actually still pumping and slipping tiny dribbles of milk into her soy bottles (because she still can't digest cow dairy. This is the best, real milk for her.)
But next week my mom is having surgery and it only makes sense to leave her here while I care for my mom. In June I've got my trip to New York and that will be another three days away from her and hauling a pump all over and cramming myself in a bathroom while squeezing my tits hoping for results that are slow to come just does not make sense. It doesn't. And yet... Here I am. And I am crazy and this makes no sense and I am super, super bummed about it. I love being a mama to a baby and there's no way we're going to go all through that again, but I've loved it this time around. I wish I could keep going. But it's time to start letting go.
So now, because this wasn't enough Mom-agony, we decided to sleep train. No booby, no wakey. It's amazing the baseline rumble I can feel down to my core when I hear her crying and I don't go to her. It's so against every fiber of my being, but she needs to sleep and she's so close to doing this on her own anyway. We're going to try for three nights and once I'm gone... It's time.
I need to celebrate her every step away from me because she is going to be strong, independent, sassy and confident. It's my job to help her be her own person and that person is fantastic.
And I will chalk this one up one more time to the painful multitude of things we suffer through for our children that they will never know about.
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