You would have thought that I actively did something last night, rather than just stand around eating massive quantities of pork. My entire body is stiff, my feet are swollen and I have a pinched sciatic nerve. Last night was Cochon 555, a national touring pork event. It was an extraordinary night. There were so many friends in that room that I haven't seen in so long. The food was... humbling. Really, it was so good that I felt honored to be allowed to eat in there. Staggering talent is possessed by these chefs. (Also, Corner Table won. So happy to see their continued success.)
Thankfully, because I was a guest judge, I had access to the VIP room. While most people would be thrilled to partake of the wine and copious amounts of bourbon in there (and a build your own Manhattan bar that was AHMAZING) I was just thrilled that there were chairs. So I could sit. And then there was some water. Mmmmm, water. Living the high life. The champagne of kitchen sink taps.
No matter that I've already gone through half a year learning how to adjust to not drinking (whelp!), but there are other adjustments that I've had to make. One - always find a chair. Stay close to the chair. Scope the bathrooms and don't be afraid to march into the handicapped stall. There is no shame in the diminished capacity - only the slight shame of peeing in your pants. Unless the pee was prompted by a sneeze. It's impossible to see those coming.
Other adjustments I've needed to make in daily life that bring whatever emotion is the polar opposite of pride:
Loading the dishwasher resembles a game of Plinko. Getting that silver wear in the right slots is the grand prize winner.
Casting for ankles: applying socks or panties takes the same skill and luck as fly fishing. Only, it's slightly less entertaining a spectator sport.
Rolling over "in my sleep" is a 15 point turn affair - as graceful and gently as a beached blue whale in a limbo competition.
No seat is approached without a solid exit strategy in place. Modern wars have been given less forethought.
I cannot reach the gas door release on the lower side of my driver's seat. This is probably going to catch up with me very soon and at a very bad time.
Donde esta el bano? I would like to make the wee wees. Hereway isay ourya athroombay? Je suis tellement desole pour colorer botre tapis.
Never a dull moment around here! I'm gonna go take a nap.
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