So, now what do you do?

Well, after enjoying a lovely day at the fair, I started to settle back into what had been my normal routine on maternity leave. That is, until Friday when we raced up to Duluth. For the third time within the last year my sister was in the hospital. She's only 28, but not exactly the healthiest person around. She had to go in because her near constant drinking was causing her pancreas to start to shut down - which we all know is kind of necessary for life functioning. (Thank you Patrick Swayze.) I've known for a while that this drinking thing was taking a serious toll on her, but was helpless to make her change. I know I should have tried harder. Matt tried to talk to me about it right after Vincent was born, but I was still stapled together and hadn't slept for 72 hours, not to mention his growing, painful rash and inability to sit down without screaming pain. I said, "Later." Later forced itself upon me, while I'd already moved on, so wrapped up in my own little life in the cities, trying to hold it all together.

So, she went to treatment on Tuesday. I came up to help my mom deal with all of this - and my sister, too, I hope. Matt also went back to school on Tuesday, so Vinny and I had to separate from him. After caring for our boy daily, I can't imagine how hard the separation is on him. Hard on him, my mom - all of us.
Frankly, I'm exhausted. I'd like to think I'm an optimist, but WTF is going on with this year? Seriously!! If I didn't have a damn near perfect child out of the deal, I'd be a lot more fist shakingly angry at the universe. Instead, I've got this angel faced little teether that can spit up more milk than you could ever imagine. I've been rotating the same three t-shirts the whole time I've been up here. I'm a smelly, pilly vision of motherhood. Tuesday was rough. I drove her out there and floundered for words that didn't sound too After School Special. I tried to tell her how much I love her and how much she's scaring me, while my infant wailed from the back seat, again demanding all of my attention. I don't know how much I'm helping her, him or anybody, but I'm going to keep trying. I was able to walk my mom's dog and keep him from running out into the oncoming traffic because, "OMG - CARS!! CAR!! PEOPLE!! MY FAVORITE!!!" I also didn't throttle him as I wanted to when he jerked my hand and caused me to scratch poor, baby Vincent - who wailed as I cried and rocked him and apologized as blood started to well up on his sweet, creamy little forehead. I hurt my baby! Two minutes later he was fine, while I'm still recovering. So's Julie. I've talked to her a few times and I know this is just the beginning of a long, rocky road. I hope she can manage. I'm sure she rather I didn't even talk about this, but I'm not going to pretend like this is some family secret - or like it isn't something so many people have to struggle with. It's just hard. So much is right now. Thankfully, our move is coming up. We've got some strapping college boys coming over on Wednesday to haul our stuff from the house on Eleanor over to our new pad right off of Summit. It's a beautiful apartment with lots of old details like crystal doorknobs and small chandeliers. The floors are already beat to hell, so perfect for little boy action. I'm clinging to the optimism of a new space. We can close the door on this last chapter - the one with the Shingles, back surgery, c-sections, sick sisters and the lost wages. The new door will open to cheaper living and hopefully a better solution for income. Honestly, I'm too tired to even worry about it right now. I'm thankful that I've been able to spend this time up here with my mom. I mean, she made me French toast for breakfast this morning- how many people can say that? And I've gotten to see my friend Penny for a bit. Vin met his new best friend Noah and they yucked it up as only a couple of 1 and 3 months old can do. They drooled and then tipped over.

They're so totally over it.

We go home tomorrow - Matt and the boy can't wait to be reunited. I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed, but hope that I'll also find my smile in there. I am so blessed, and so lucky to have so many amazing friends and family. We're going to get through this year and I know when I look back it'll be with deep breaths and thoughts of, "I can't believe we made it!" Because I know we will.