I was apprehensive about what this new baby would be like. Were we delving back into years of sleeplessness? I like sleep! How am I going to get used to only getting a couple of hours at a time? What if she's colicky? What if something is wrong with her? What if she's hurt? Sick? What kind of parent will I be to Vinny now that I have to sustain this little one's life? Also, what if my recovery was rough? How would the pain be? Why had I voluntarily signed up to allow a perfect stranger to filet me like a pan fish?
Mom had come down and she and Matt were beside themselves with excitement. I kept thinking of a quote I read on the internet - a story about a perfectly healthy mom who went in for a birth and died of a blood clot - "delivering mothers have one foot in each word. There is always death tied to birth." Or something like that.
What would they do if I died?
So, yeah - GREAT night's sleep. The next morning I packed my precious little boy off to school. I could hear the voices of other mothers in the back of my head, "I remember being how terrified of how HUGE my son was next to my precious little newborn." Would I fear my boy? I couldn't imagine...
He kissed my belly goodbye, "See you later, CC."
I had everything packed. Every check mark was clearly made on every list I'd written. It was time. I drove us all down to the hospital (with my giant belly.)
We checked in and were immediately assigned a nurse. She was just the right mix of no nonsense and empathetic for me. She was assured me that I was doing great. She checked the baby's heart rate. "Perfect," she said.
Throughout my pregnancy, that word kept popping up. I tried to breathe and take it as a sign.
The operating team was running just a little late - it was a big day for C-Sections. The doctor came in and introduced himself. He was very relaxed, assured and not particularly chatty, but that was just fine.
Next came the anesthesiologist - this guy definitely runs marathons on the weekends. He was nice, fast talking, but again, super in control. I was going to be fine. Probably.
An hour after we were scheduled to go in, it was finally time. My wonderful nurse stayed by my side. Mom and my mother in law would stay in the hospital room - Matt would have to get geared up and they would get him in a moment. For the time, it was me and nurse. She would get me through this and I wouldn't be alone.
I was so relieved to see the operating room looked like a real operating room. Sterile, full of new equipment and tended to. The OR at the hospital where I delivered Vin had the distinct feel of an old school gymnasium. (Not a location I associate with an abundance of happy times.) I had been inconsequential. Not on CC's birthday. Every person who walked into the room introduced themselves, looked me in the eye and told me what their role in the delivery would be. Everyone was so calm, friendly and seemed to be excited for the impending arrival of my baby. Remembering the baby part brought my anxiety back.
As if on cue, Matt appeared at my side. I looked up at him and breathed, genuinely for the first time. He would carry me through. We would be okay. I could not have picked a better man to be by my side. He petted my face and I could see by his crinkled eyes that he was grinning behind the surgical mask. I wanted to say, "I'm so scared. What were we thinking? We've waited so long. What if she's hurt? How will we do this? What if something happens to me? I don't want to be this frightened. Let's get out of here - hold me. I don't know if I've ever been so scared."
Instead, as he began to look over the draped sheet that they had put over my neck I said, "Wait - touch my face again." My heartbeat immediately steadied. "Do it again. Don't let me go."
"Okay," said the doctor, "We're going to begin and your little girl will be here in just a few minutes." Everyone in the room took a moment and checked in - mindful of their place, their jobs, me, my daughter and what was about to happen. And then... they began.
I think I asked Matt to this time please not look at my internal organs because - romance! "But it's so cool!"
The second she hit the cold air we heard her wail. It was beautiful; shattering. Her little lungs were so powerful. I heard the nurse say something about the amount of vernix on her. Ew. Between the slimy white stuff and the hair I thought, "You go ahead and clean that baby before bringing her over here." They did. They wrapped her up and gave her to Matt. My arms were free and I was able to sort of hold her, but I wanted to touch her - to stay connected just a bit longer. Matt placed her face against my cheek and every fiber of my being knew that I was meant to be this little beings mother - and we would be forever tied. Only when I was ready, did they take her away to be weighed and get her Apgar (which she aced - she scored a 10 and a 9 - they said no one ever scores that high. Mommy's little over-achiever.)
We expected a big baby, but she was 8lbs 1oz - a completely reasonable size.
Matt took her to meet the anxious grandmas while they sewed me up. I wanted to tell the to hurry up, but the rearrangement of my internal organs seemed like a job that maybe I shouldn't make anybody rush.
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| Dad |
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| Grandma Carol |
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| Grandma Cathy |
After they were done, everyone again assured me how well everything had gone and continued to tell me what was about to happen, why and what to expect.
Soon we were reunited, me and my little Catherine Carol. So weird to have that name - that had so long been assigned to an idea, now associated with this little person. After the initial output of noise, she quieted down. Even now, she only cries if she's hungry or has a dirty diaper. She uses her little voice with purpose.
She's also a big fan of food. After asking if it was alright to help me, my nurse unceremoniously yanked my boob and shoved it in the baby's mouth. Oh that's right. Dignity. I haz nun. She latched on immediately and declared this to be her happy place.
I had my little girl - our family was almost complete. I just needed someone to bring me my first born. (More on that next time I can convince her to take a nap.)
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