State Fair Nerds

My sister in law Peggy has a thing about the state fair. I think she looks forward to it more with more anticipation than her birthday. When I'd mentioned it in passing to her last week, she pursed her lips and said, "I can't even talk about it." She was that excited - a week away.

I've never really gotten the thrill of the state fair. In the small town that I grew up in the county fair was a really big deal. It comes in mid-August and the whole town gathers on a little patch of land. Church groups have the dunk tank, there's the carnies, the puppies and kittens for sale, the stock car races - that is a big deal. It was especially exciting because each year the fair would arrive months after you'd last seen many of your classmates. Some of us would be taller, zittyer or more developed. This was the chance to show how cool you were and how completely matured you'd magically become over the summer. I remember being sunburned, sticky and giggling till my stomach hurt with my best girlfriends. Good times.

The state fair on the other hand is this massive traffic clusterfuck, oppressive, stroller assault on the senses. Usually, I've also got a day job that keeps me away from the fair, except on the occasional weekend day. Then came last year. I realized that I kind of liked the fair. It was fun and not that crowded on a weekday when most people are gainfully employed.

From that experience to my lovely sister in law's excitement, I started to think that going on opening day might actually be fun... if the boy was up for it. When we got up and he did that shrieking laugh/smiling thing at me, I figured we were going to give it a shot.

We drove to one of the park and rides (word to the wise? Remember where you parked.) The buses weren't even city buses! I have an irrational fear of buses. 10 minutes after departure, I'm usually so convinced that I'm on the wrong one and headed to some far flung suburb and I'll have to walk back. This bus was downright fancy and clearly headed for the fair. So far, so good. (The fear would return when I was leaving that afternoon and I'd end up hyperventilating a bit.)


Part of all good fair strategy is figuring out what foods to eat first. Peggy went for a turkey sandwich and I had to have a breakfast Scotch egg. She's the professional fairgoer - I should have followed her lead. As is usually the case, the Scotch egg was like a meat encrusted salt lick and the over cooked egg had that unappealing green haze to the yolk. I tried to hand a bite to the kid and he said, "NO! No, no, no." He has definitely got a good grasp on that word.

Hunger temporarily held at bay, we decided more wandering was in order. I saw a Wood Art building. Perfect! I thought. This day happened to be my anniversary - five years. Yeah, baby. I'd looked it up and discovered that five years is the wood anniversary. First I giggled immaturely, then I forgot until I saw the building.

Inside they had an interesting mix of taxidermy and log furniture. There were your usual black bear wood figurines, some raccoons paddling a canoe (which I found hilarious) and then to my horror, I looked up and saw this:

Screeeee! What the sweet devil is that thing? It's an owl? Is it... winking or is that some kind of design flaw? It's hideous! And it's $23. I should have, but just couldn't bring myself to buy it. While the look on Matt's face opening such a present would be gasp inducing hysterical, I'd then have to live with it. Maybe something smaller, maybe something more cuddly, maybe...

A birch bark squirrel! GAH! It's adorable, it's creepy - it's... Made in China. Figures - the same people that bring us those creepy little furry kitten things would come up with this. Clearly, they are not familiar with our friend the gray squirrel. Plucky, adorable city squirrels with far less menacing looks about them. I wouldn't want to run into this guy in a back alley. He looks... shifty. Keep one hand on your wallet ladies.

I left them all behind and we continued our wandering. It was a gorgeous day - sun was shining, but there was still a slight breeze. We went through the Ag building, I did determine that it might still be a little early for me to be ordering any wine (nuts!) Out back we found a beautiful, grassy patch where we could let Vince run around a little bit.


Peggy pointed out how pristine the lawn was. Another plus of being one of the first ones in - everything is still so clean and fresh! As we were sitting there I noticed a familiar name.

I love Salty Tart! Even more incredible were the peaches that the Produce Exchange people were selling. They were so sweet that they almost tasted like there had been sugar added. They were also gargantuan. Vince ate almost the whole thing.

I had to have a couple of bites - you know, quality control and all. Then I saw this and made a joke about him ruining my Crystal Gale t-shirt.
No one had any idea what I was talking about (as usual.)

It was clearly time for more food. We went to the food building. I eyed Harry Singh's jerk chicken roti. Peggy went for a veggie pizza and while my mother in law went after Peter's Wieners with an almost embarrassing voracity. She had to have one of those dogs. She did try to share that with Vince, but he wasn't interested. He was full up on peaches.

As we walked away I successfully navigated a curb with the stroller, but sadly, my mother in law, perhaps distracted by her perfect little meat tube, didn't. She did the longest, slowest fall I've ever witnessed. She just kept falling. When her misstep began she was behind me and then slowly, she hit the ground and kind of rolled (not unlike MacGuyver diving away from a firebomb) and rolling until she finally came to a stop - wiener-less. I venture to guess that she might have fallen less had she not been as concerned about losing the last, tiny morsel of her hot dog. All I could think is, this is it. She's going to be broken forever and I didn't even do anything to help! (Neither did Peggy. We are not helpful in these circumstances - although as the ever faithful daughter, she did grab the end of the dog.)

So, another new fair experience:

The first aid station! While she got patched up, I eyed this poster:
Such happy not HIV infected people. I haven't seen one of these since middle school. Soon the patient emerged, properly bandaged and ready to get back to it.

(Check the gams! She's in better shape than me. No wonder she was okay. I'd have probably broken a hip.)

To console her (and us) we found soon found a delicious hot apple dumpling with vanilla ice cream and a healthy drizzle of brown sugar caramel sauce. I had to get myself another cup of the egg coffee that I'd gotten the year before from the Swedes - still rich, still good.

Each path, each booth, we found more to look at. I was starting to get the hang of this professional fairgoer thing. You can easily go time after time and still not see it all. I hadn't even been to the animal booths, eaten any cheesecurds - Boys II Men is playing for FREE! TONIGHT!

Unfortunately, for my new found understanding and excitement, Vince wasn't long for the world. The kid refuses to take a nap anywhere, but in his bed. I kept hopefully pointing and zonked out kids as if he might take the hint. Look! You can sleep! RIGHT.THERE! See? Perhaps not the most soothing way to go about inducing a nap.

We made one more stop at the U of M building. I let Vince pretend that we might actually be able to afford to send him there one day. I thought about how much Matt would love seeing him there. He'd been in Morris, MN (speaking of the U) and studying for another certification that will hopefully make him utterly employable in his field. I missed him.


Fearing utter and total meltdown on the baby's part, we packed it in and headed back to the park n ride. (Not before I got my hand stamped, though.)

I let Vin sit in his own chair on the ride back, thinking how thrilling his first bus ride must be.
He had the thousand yard stare. We barely made it home before the thumb was in his mouth and he was tugging on his ear, lulling himself to sleep. While he napped, I got cleaned up, picked up the house - drank a bunch of water and anxiously awaited the return of my sweet husband. I had come up with the perfect anniversary gift for him after all.